Medium to Large

Medium to large

I did something the other night that I never done on my own.

I went to see a Medium.

Now, I have always held a tiny bit of scepticism for this sort of thing as there are so many close minded people and negative attitude in the world. And I have been in situations where my mum (bless her) could have come through, but hasn’t.

No, she still didn’t make an appearance the other night, however, I could bloody feel her there.

Ryan Gooding held his latest event at Ufford Park, near Ipswich.

It easily packed 150-200 people, it was absolutely boiling and nearly sold out.

I went on my own and sat near the front, in a row that I thought would be far enough away from anyone else, or people coming in big groups...wrong!

I firstly had two lovely ladies plonk themselves next to me on my right. As I have previously mentioned, my flabby bits very nearly fall on either side of anything I sit on, massage tables, chairs, the driver's seat, my boyfriend. Well, this was no different.

I found myself edging closer and closer off my own chair to the chair next to me. My butt swallowing my knickers as the frame dug in to me, causing my top to ride up my back. I smiled politely, without making it obvious that the chair wasn't big enough for me, let alone the two of us!

Then, to my horror, two more ladies wanted to sit to my left!

'Anyone sitting here?' asking with a smile, 'No, not at all...' I say through gritted teeth, 'just my butt and a leg.' I should have sprawled out along the the row of chairs and claim ignorance.

Or, I should have sat right up against the wall, tucked out the way. But judging on the experience I was already feeling, I would have been smeared along the the wall like a gecko panting in the heat then running away when no one is looking, like a lizard ninja!

I had to shift back to the tiny empty patch of my own seat which made me feel like one of those ballerina hippos in Fantasia; too big to balance but giving it a damn good go!

It got so hot in there. I was starting to get breathless and squished so much that my butt was twisted and my arms started to cross over my chest, eyes closing: bring out the coffin, I'm done!

(Poor choice of words!)

I swear I could hear my mum crying with laughter at this point. 'NOT helpful, Mum!'

Ryan came out and started and I really wanted him to see mum, even at the expense of my embarrassment at the silent chair struggle.

As the night progressed, so did the numbness in my butt cheek, the right one specifically.

I was really struggling.

For the audience, the evening ran in waves of silence, tears, clapping and laughter so I had to time my re-positioning correctly.

When I could sense an audience giggle or a clap, I joined in with the giggle wave to hide the lie; it was in those moments that I took the opportunity to move my butt from side to side, pull down my top that had been desperate to meet my bra strap, wriggled my legs a little and tried so hard to pull away my knickers from the depths of my butt crack!

I only had mere seconds to do this, mostly succeeding.

The people sitting behind me got a mini Jack Sparrow show as I tried to accommodate everything into those tiny seconds.

This did mean that when it was time to leave, the nerves in my right leg had fucked off without telling me. I mean, I had the warnings, sensed the red flag but I need confirmation when you just fuck off and leave!

Because of the lack of communication between my leg and my brain, I went to stand up, only to fall almost head first in to a lady's DD's!

My brain managed to warn my hand as timed slowed down; 'grab her arm, break the fall'. I undermined my brain and counter balanced myself to my chair...which I missed. The lady in question had turned to leave, making her bum the next target.

I used my left leg to save me, which only propelled my body forward, into the back of her.

She giggled nervously.

I died inside.

(Luckily, we had shared pleasantries prior to this!)

I had to make a bee line to the toilets so it didn't look like I was following them like a numb, hippo creep!

I really enjoyed the evening despite my discomfort, I tried to concentrate on everything Ryan was saying and then apologised to my butt cheeks later as I proceeded with a mini John Cleese-funny-walk to the car.

It was mind opening and whether you believe in that 'stuff' or not, experiencing the amount of love and comfort in one big room filled with total strangers, is just extraordinary and should be done more often.

Follow Ryan on Instagram: @psychicryangooding and his website:

Love the body you own x

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