Pigeon Bridesmaid

Pigeon Bridesmaid

It's wedding season!

A time where the bride desperately needs the squad around.

Some say that a bride will pick her bridesmaids in such a way that it makes her look better, walking down the aisle.

I mean...SOME people say that, not all people.

I guess some would say that because, if, like me, you have had the honour of being a bridesmaid...things don't always go to plan and you feel like the bride played a big, fat trick on you!

I have been a bridesmaid twice in my adult years and was fortunate enough to love the chosen dresses but both designs carried two very different problems; boobies and legs!

1st wedding: Cardiff/ Florida

The bride: very petite, very beautiful and just TINY.


It looked very odd, we looked more like her bouncy bouncers than bridesmaids.

The Bride had two ceremonies; the official one in Cardiff and a special one in Florida...as you do!

She picked the dresses to suit both ceremonies, in theme, but both locations are very different, so you can imagine the temperature difference.

Those dresses were made for sun!

They were knee length, bright blue, delicate thin strap and chiffon; with added balcony entrance for the girls to sit on show!

Myself and my fellow bridesmaid were not the most slimmest of girls (we’re still not), we tried to lose weight leading up to the wedding, as the dresses were very snug to begin with (made in China - know any fat Chinese chicks?), but that proved to be a depressing game, so we stopped playing.

When it came to the wedding day, we both wore the latest tummy tuck attire and really packed ourselves in to those damn things.

But the boobies…they were just in a world all to themselves.

There are a lot of bra companies that do an amazing job to accommodate to the bigger boobarella's but it seems like the bra companies and dress companies dont...talk...to...each other.

Not only was it difficult to hold the girls in standing still and breathing, but walking around and then walking down the aisle felt like two jellyfish in my bra where getting too drunk and having a party.

Being top heavy already makes me walk around like I have a stick down my ass crack, focusing on every step so I dont fall on my face.

But being top heavy and having the girls exposed in such a way is not normal; it just made me feel like a fat barbie doll (and not in a good way!)

Luckily the aisle was short but I've got to say, I think we took the focus off the Bride just a bit too much.

It certainly didn't help that it was raining and a bit cold, so we kind of looked ridiculous in those short, open-top summer dresses.

Florida was a whole different story. I had had an incident a few days before the ceremony involving a fall at one of the parks which injured my back, externally.

I mentioned the dresses where already as snug as a cocoon, well try packing in the lumps and bumps, sweating in the Floridian heat like a fat lass at a disco AND trying to zip it up over a, then very swollen, injured back!

I tried everything to soothe the swelling.

I even tried to stand directly under the air conditioning, nothing helped.

So, whilst slowly turning into a mini hulk, we had to break the bad news to the Bride that the dress will not fit!

However, we valued our lives - so we told the Groom instead and under the pressure of the day, he said to just wear anything.

So we did....

We wore butterfly maxi dresses, that kind of matched.


2nd wedding: Nonsuch Mansion, Cheam

The bride: (she wont mind me saying) busty, bouncy, brunette and beautiful - and was actually my fellow bridesmaid from the above!

The bridesmaids: a mixed bag of liquorice allsorts

Now, this wedding was the most elegant event I have ever attended. The Bride did a fantastic job at dressing her bridesmaids in something that suited all the shapes, lumps and bumps.

The boobies were tucked away in a big girls bra, behind lace and beads, no drunken jellyfish this time.

No, this time, there was a whole different situation going on behind the seams.

The tuck in, suck in, jam packed pants were back and the dress, being A lined, floated around my bum like air. I felt free!

A bit too free...

This time it was my legs that caused the issue.

I wore little open toe, kitten heels and no tights because it was so hot.

So when I walked down the aisle, my ass crack was already sweating, I could feel little sweat beads dripping down my inner thighs.

This then caused wicked fiction when my legs kissed each other on that walk. I had to really concentrate on my steps to stop my sweaty legs squeaking and my feet falling through the toe gap completely, because I swear they could of if they wanted to!

I felt like a fat pigeon waddling on a slippery tightrope.

After that walk, we all sat at the front of the hall during the ceremony.

It was beautiful, it was moving. Everyone cried.

It took away the focus of the heat and sweaty thighs for a little bit.

However, when it came to standing up and following the Bride and Groom back down the aisle, I cried in more ways than one.

The chairs we sat on were thankfully cushioned, but were complimented with a cool, metal frame.

The damn frame of my seat had decided to almost fuse my sweat from my leg to the chair.

When I stood up, I swear I heard every sweat pocket in my skin scream from sudden movement and nearly took the chair with me.

Everyone was looking at the married couple and cheering and clapping so, thankfully, no one saw my fresh tears!

During the reception, my poor boyfriend only saw me in fleeting moments as I was making frequent trips to the bathroom...just to take advantage of their paper towels!

I must have used the equivalent to a whole sequoia tree mopping up my sweaty thighs and ass.

I love weddings.

The main theme of any wedding is love and that makes everyone happy, I love seeing people happy, it's contagious.

Love the body you own x

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