Camel heel, camel toe
Camel heel, Camel toe
It has taken me ages to write this one as every time I get to it, I shake with laughter and the tears start.
It really did make me laugh.
I went to Marsa Alam in Egypt last year with my boy.
Even though I had lost over a stone for this holiday, I was still a chub.
(By the way, that stone has since found its way back to me, it just loved me too much).
Anyway, I was still so excited to finally have the chance of riding a camel.
It was on my bucket list and I thought I would be safer riding something with a hump to accommodate my humps; Horses take one look at me and bolt, but camels…naah!
This camel looked me dead in the eye and read my soul – ‘I dare you’.
As I approached Mr Grunt, the trainer sat him down on the sand. They look deceivingly petite while sitting down. So innocent and actually quite cute.
So, the trainer tells me to mount the hump, foot in the stirrup, swinging the right leg round in all its glory. And told me to remember, ‘NEVER LET GO’
Ok, Jack!
Seems simple enough… seems!
Imagine a child climbing on your back as you’re resting and pulling on a lock of hair from the back of your head and swinging on it.
The painful sound you hear echoing in your mind is similar to the one Mr Grunt gave me. With that angry huff came a sudden jolt and I was catapulted in the air. Luckily my hands decided to remain firmly clung to the rains, which meant I didn’t topple over and lay there winded on the sand.
When he started moving, my entire existence was shaken!
When you see a camel walking along the beach with those big, wide hooves, you think they look quite graceful and glide along the sand like a silent, majestic beast.
Sitting on the hump of it…a WHOLE different story.
Their front leg comes out, your bum bounces sideways, your head whips backs; your boobs on a spinning tea cup ride. Their back leg moves forward and your inner thighs squeeze so tightly to the hump that they could burst it like a pimple at any moment. It was a whole different type of chaffing.
My ass was constantly moving back a forth, the friction in between my legs and the heat up my bum crack was about to start a fire. (Easy now!)
Once you get used to the motion of his walking pattern, and you feel like your arms have stopped jiggling, you can then start to enjoy the view – wait…we’ve walked the entire stretch of the beach!? Already? Ok, I can now enjoy the walk back I guess.
But now, we’re stopping to take pictures.
The couple on the camels next to me have this camel ride experience down to a T!
There they were having lovely photos taken by the sunset, their camels behaving nicely.
Mr Grunt, however, decided to take that moment to say ‘fuck this’ and sit down again.
I don’t know if you have ever seen a camel sit down, but it aint normal.
They drop through the air on to their knees first, ass second and then their back knees follow suit.
When you’re ready for this movement, you can brace yourself and NEVER LET GO.
Well…..
Let me tell you this; I was NOT ready and I DID let go.
Mr Grunt’s knees dropped to the sand; my hands and arms waved around any which way like they were trying to escape my body.
Being top heavy; gravity took its course, my boobs fell through the air with a sickening realisation of ‘this is it, this is how I die’.
I felt like I was in a re-make of Final Destination.
I screamed so loudly that even the couple along the beach turned around on their damn camels.
The trainer flew to my side and grabbed the side of the saddle in one swift motion that my hands, (knowing I didn’t need to fall to my death after all), swung back to the reins and gripped so tightly that I nearly dislocated my bloody shoulders to save my life.
Fuck you, Mr Grunt!
He stood up again and my heart had fucked off to the pool side bar.
I was done, damn camel.
He shook his head at the trainer and made some God awful noise that could only be translated as ‘feeling’s mutual, fat bitch!’
As we made our way back to the hotel, the trainer asked if I’d like to have a photo taken too.
Luckily this was done with no trouble, but the ‘smile’ you see is no smile…it was me grimacing through gritted teeth. The trainer (you can’t see in the picture) was giving Mr Grunt a stern look.
I did feel bad for Mr Grunt in a way, poor thing carrying a heavy lump on his already heavy lump.
But there was no need for that!
Seriously, it was one of the most exhausting experiences of my life. Just sitting on a damn camel made all my nerves jump out of place and re-position in different places of my body that I didn’t even know existed.
Ladies, this is NOT recommended as an alternative fix! ! !
Love the body you own, (Mr Grunt does!)
*See the link on my main page for the video from the moment Mr Grunt stood up*
